At one point in time, I was really in to reality television shows. I’m talking like really in to them. Like I thought my life was interesting enough that I should have my own camera crew. I mean my life was interesting but not THAT interesting (at least not yet) but I thought it was. I would have been like Sandy Lyle in Along Came Polly; camera crew filming with no film. For a while I even thought I could be on the Amazing Race and win it. I would always talk to my buddy Rob Q about it. We would talk about how we would be a great team. People would watch because they would wonder if he and I were gay although we weren’t gay back then. Nor are we now. But he and I would have these farfetched conversations about the most homo-erotic scenarios and we would say that we would have these same conversations while on the Amazing Race. Working in a call center can drive two heterosexual men to speak of the least heterosexual things you can think of apparently. I remember one time being in my room and Rob was over and I was changing because we were going to go somewhere. I told him “dude I’m going to be naked right now so don’t turn around.” What does he do? Turns around to look to see if I was really naked. Things like that. Amongst other really really non-straight ideas and comments. Now back to reality...I was also really in to Top Chef until one day I just wasn’t in to it. The same thing happened with Big Brother. It’s like every season these shows kept getting more and more watered down and predictable. My favorite reality show back in the day though, was Flavor of Love. I mean, what kind of woman goes on a dating reality show to date/fall in love with Flavor Flav! HAHAHA! The guy looks like a charred G.I. Joe doll. It was the most preposterous premise for a show yet somehow it ran for various seasons! That was when VH1 was on top of the reality show mountain! Now it’s Bravo with its “scripted” reality shows that are unwatchable for me. Except for the Real Housewives of Orange County. For some reason, I have to watch that show! It’s my new Flavor of Love. Those plastic blondes have a special place in my heart. Even though I know that it is SO FAKE I still watch it. Ugh...what is wrong with me!? Last time I confessed my love for She’s the Man and this time it’s RHOC. Oh well. Again, we all have our vices, these are mine.
This year’s run for the presidency has become my newest, most favorite reality show ever. It’s like watching Game of Thrones on CNN. With less gratuitous naked scenes thankfully – I don’t think I’m the only person in America who does NOT want to see any of these candidates naked. I mean imagine Hilary Clinton walking the streets of Washington D.C. naked, with her hair chopped off, as nuns walk with her chanting “Shame….shame…shame!” And I just threw up a little. Let’s be honest though, how many of us would line the streets to throw something at any one of these candidates? I know I would. I would do that now if allowed to. I’d be the first one in line! There is just some things about some of these candidates that bother me. Anyway…. if you really think about it, some of the candidates kind of fit the profile of some my favorite Game of Thrones characters. With the start of the much anticipated Season 6 of Game of Thrones approaching rapidly, and Super Tuesday behind us, here is my list of my favorite 2016
Game of Thrones style:
Hilary Clinton – Cersei Lannister
Now this has nothing to do with looks because Cersei is actually kind of hot and Hilary is, well…smart? Anyway, this has more to do with Hilary’s lust for power. She will do anything to get where she wants to be; even trampled over an old dying man. And much like Cersei, Hilary is hiding a lot of secrets that could ruin her amongst her peers and all over the 7 kingdoms. Real talk though, much like Cersei, she just kind of looks like she’s "difficult" 24/7.
Bernie Sanders – The Ice King
In this instance, yes, it has a lot to do with looks. Bernie is old folks. He is literally an old folk. And much like the Ice King, probably has little to no heart beat left in his old folk body. He’s still got some spunk though and is rallying up a lot of people who want to follow him as winter approaches. But will it be enough to rule the 7 kingdoms? The real question is, will he survive the summer?? Guy looks like he is ready to re-retire. And why does he wear such large suit jackets? Is that like a thing you do when you get to a certain old folk age? Wear oversized suit jackets? Don’t these people have someone check their wardrobe? While I’m on the subject, what is with Hilary ONLY wearing her little female power suits? How can women relate to her? I mean she looks like a principal. No one likes the principal. Unless it’s Mr. Belding.
Marco Rubio – Joffrey Baratheon
Marco is a cocky little S.O.B.. He started off somewhat respectable but all of sudden goes rouge and starts acting like a spoiled little dude; disrespecting his elders and basically not giving a #%@? You kind of just want to punch him in the face and really just hope he disappears. Which won’t happen for a while but it’s inevitable. His Purple Wedding will soon come. And his ears are just too big. Like, I can’t get past them. It’s like when someone told me about the Enrique Iglesias sized mole on Christian Bale’s nose, near his right eye - now it’s all I see when he is on screen.
Donald Trump – Petyr Baelish
Trump is a master when it comes to business, much like Petyr Baelish is. Sure Baelish dabbles in the skin trade while Trump dabbles in real estate but business is business and these dudes know how to make a semi-honest buck. Both know a lot about their foes and aren’t afraid to use that knowledge to their advantage. How far will these tactics get Trump-finger though. And they both use their lips a lot when they speak. Like LL Cool J.
Ted Cruz – Samwell Tarly
Ted isn’t as husky as Sam but he sure is as dorky as him. He just seems like a super weak dude. He’s Canadian so that makes a lot of sense. He is trying to sit at the big boy table but can’t truly hang; much like Joffrey Rubio. His three state wins are much like Sam’s killing of a white walker – dumb luck. He has a lot to prove before he can be respected.
Carly Fiorina – Lysa Arynn
Both look like long necked birds. Both have crazy eyes. Like if you went on a date with them, and never called back, and then you saw them at Starbucks, and they recognized you, and you pretend you don’t know who they are, and then they gave you the crazy eyes? Yeah, those crazy eyes. Also, both don’t do much for anyone. Both are short lived characters that don’t hurt or help the storyline much.
Ben Carson – Lord Varys
This one has more to do with the way they talk and their mannerisms than their political prowess since Lord Varys is actually quite the powerful politician. Mr. Carson is a soft spoken, eloquent, delicate flower of a man who looks like he would get tipped over if the wind blew hard enough. They both put both hands together, forming a finger pyramid whey they speak too. And one wonders if he is a Ken doll, much like Lord Varys.
The other “candidates” (if you want to call them that) are so insignificant that I won’t include them in my list. Also, I don’t know any of their names or who they are. That’s actually the main reason. So as the real Game of Thrones is about to begin, America’s Unreal Game of Thrones will be in the thick of its singular season; coming to fruition on November 8th, when the series finale will air all across the nation.
My dream “episode” would be if Trump is the Republican nominee and Hilary is the Democratic nominee and they finally get to go head to head in a debate...it’s going to be like the Red Wedding and the Purple Wedding at the same time. How long in to the debate til Trump mentions Benghazi or Hilary’s email scandal?? How long in to the debate till Hilary talks about Trump and his minor yet very public “not denouncing the KKK” scandal? How many more tens of feet will Trump’s southern border wall be by the time this race is over? You know how Trump keeps saying it is getting ten feet higher every time Mexico says something about it? America will literally have a wall the size of the one Jon Snow once lived in. (R.I.P. Jon…unless he’s really not dead!) We won’t be able to go to the land “beyond the wall” to get some officially delicious street tacos anymore!
I bid you all adieu for now my friends. Remember…winter is coming…